. . . Continued

Part IV

When I got home from my trip out East, I felt different. This trip had really changed me–in more ways than one. Maybe I really had fallen in love, but I didn’t realize my life was about to change forever. As much as I wanted to ignore it, my worst fear was about to be confirmed.

An Unexpected Souvenir

I had a dollar store pregnancy test on hand, but was waiting until my period was a week late to try it. Getting worried, I texted the guy in P.E.I. to tell him I missed my period. I told him I did the home test and was relieved that the result was negative.

“Glad we’re on the same page then,” he texted back. He didn’t trust the dollar store test, so he encouraged me to go to the doctor and get checked out. “Please Rhubs, keep me in the loop here.”

The only person that had ever called me Rhubs was my dad. I’m not sure how he came up with this nickname for me, but it definitely struck a sentimental chord. Maybe it was a way of my dad communicating with me from beyond the grave.

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

I decided to go to the walk-in at Albany Medical Clinic for a real pregnancy test. I told the doctor I did a home pregnancy test and it was negative, but I missed my period. She had me pee in a cup and I gave her my sample. Within two minutes she popped her head in the door and mouthed the words, “Y-O-U-‘-R-E  P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.”

My eyes widened and my heart stopped beating. I couldn’t breathe. I was in shock. Disbelief even. In a way, I was relieved that what I had been feeling all along was confirmed. Then, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy.

Wait, What? Joy? Was I really happy about this?

As the doctor was going through my abortion options, I could see her lips moving but the words weren’t resonating. They were muffled and monotone like the grown-ups in Charlie Brown.  Having an abortion wasn’t an option for me, but was having a baby?

For the first time in my life, I was pregnant. I couldn’t wait to tell the father. I panicked and texted him from the doctors office. Once I told him I had gone to the walk-in clinic for a pregnancy test, he said,

“You’re not pregnant.”

“I am . . .” I texted back.

Crickets.

Decisions, Decisions

I decided to go see my family doctor at Mount Sinai Hospital and they sent me for blood tests. I went upstairs to the blood lab and took a ticket, waiting for my number to be called. When my number came up, I walked to the back and was the only patient there. I told the nurse I wanted to lie down and she brought me over to a large leather recliner. I mentioned that I thought I was pregnant, so the doctor was sending me for tests.

“Congratulations!” The nurse said.

“Thanks.” I responded glumly. “I just talked to the doctor but I don’t know what to do,” I said.

Meltdown

As I burst into tears, two other nurses that were nearby gathered around the recliner. One of the nurses was a Jamaican lady and she held my hand while the other nurse drew my blood. All three of them had grown up children of their own. They reassured me everything was going to be alright, no matter what I decide.

I told them the story of how I met the father and had fallen for him but I never told him how I felt. Now, he was ignoring my texts. I couldn’t even talk to him about what I should do and my time to make a decision was running out. All of my female friends that I had told thought that keeping the baby was a bad idea. I let the whole spiel pour out of me like the bucket of tears that was collecting on the leather recliner.

The third nurse offered me a box of tissues and I grabbed several and blew my nose. I was just a blubbering mess and it had nothing to do with them drawing my blood. She taped a cotton ball to the inside of my arm and took my vials of blood away. I got up to use the washroom and try to fix the mascara that was now streaming down my face. As I was closing the door I heard a whisper so I opened it again and it was the Jamaican nurse standing there.

“Did you say something?” I asked.

“Don’t kill your baby,” she whispered. The sincerity in her voice brought on a second wave of tears and I closed the door and locked it so I could have my cry in the privacy of the washroom.

That was the moment I decided I had to keep it.

A New Beginning

I am having my baby this spring and my due date coincides with my 28th birthday. To me, this is the greatest gift that one could ever receive and I’m excited for what this new chapter will bring to my life.

This will come as a shock to many of my friends, as I never wanted children. I have always been more of an animal person, but this just felt natural to me. 

They say a person changes dramatically every seven years and my 28th birthday will take the cake. I have been undergoing a mental, physical and spiritual transformation from womanhood into motherhood. It has been an emotionally challenging time for me, but brought with it, a new perspective on life.

Pregnancy has this beautifully intrinsic ability to rid you of all the relationships in your life that no longer serve you. From romantic relationships, to friendships–it’s like hitting reset in your life. It has been difficult to leave these people in my past, but I know it is best for the future of me and my child.

Changing Course

As a lifelong vegetarian I have very strong values against harming any being. This is why the concept of abortion was not an option for me. It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. Now, looking back, it would have been the easier option. I always manage to choose the harder road for some reason and it usually takes me on a long winding journey. This one will be no different.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety about sharing my story because I don’t feel like the classic case of boy-meets-girl and lives happily-ever-after. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and I’ve faced some of the darkest parts of myself in the process. Most of my friends are still in “party-mode” and I am still trying to figure out my new sense of self after abruptly leaving the party.

The father has shown no interest in the development of our child, so I may end up doing this on my own. Maybe I’m in denial, but I still imagine that he’ll turn up out of the blue. Even though we talked about getting married someday, we hadn’t planned for this. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy and we didn’t realize what we were co-creating.

Choose Love

My baby daddy triggered something in me; a longing for love and a family—or my maternal instincts no less. After grieving my father, I look forward to breathing new life back into the family. I will be meeting my little one soon—the soon to be love of my life.

Life is so fragile and since I lost my father six years ago, I realized how valuable time is. He was the same age as my baby daddy when I was born. He lived long enough to raise me to be an adult of 21. It breaks my heart because I loved my father so much and he would’ve been the best Grandpa.

Birth, like death, are taboo subjects and I understand that some people don’t know how to react when confronted with them.

Though my baby came to me in an unconventional way, I know that our love will be unconditional. My child is as much a part of me, as the man I instantly fell so passionately for in Prince Edward Island. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t heartbroken, but I don’t know how this story ends. Maybe it will have a happy ending and one day, we will be a family.

Heartbreak is as much a rite of passage as motherhood. Sometimes, enduring pain is the only way to truly appreciate the joy in life.